WHY BUY BIG FRUIT?
Listen to me. The government puts chemicals in the big apples. I've seen it. I know the truth. My bonsai trees grow PURE, TINY FRUITS. A watermelon the size of a golf ball! It's dense! It's heavy! Do not ask me about the soil! The FBI already tried!
THE WIDOWMAKER APPLE
Smaller than a marble. Denser than a dying star. If you drop it, it will go through the floor.
PRICE: $499.99 (CASH ONLY)
MICRO-MELON
Tastes like raw electricity. The rind is made of classified materials stolen from Area 51.
PRICE: $250.00
BOJANGLES' BLOOD ORANGE
Grown in soil fertilized by pure malice. Peeling it feels like committing a crime. Do NOT look directly at it.
PRICE: YOUR SOUL (OR $666.00)
ALTAR OF NIMROD AVOCADO
The pit is actually a small, black stone that vibrates when a tax collector is within 50 miles. High in healthy fats and ancient secrets!
PRICE: 13 BEATS OF A GOAT'S HEART
SCUTTLEBUTT STRAWBERRIES
Grown in clusters that look like tiny, juicy ears. They’ve heard everything you said about the neighbor's lawn. They WILL testify!
PRICE: $19.22 (Bumblebutt Discount)
THE "YAH MO B. THERE" MANGO
If you put your ear to the skin, you can hear a soulful backing vocal. Tastes like smooth jazz and "forgotten" child support payments.
PRICE: 1 SOULFUL REFRAN
GEIGER-COUNTER GRAPEFRUIT
Glows slightly in the dark. Perfect for reading manifestos under the covers. Tastes like pennies and freedom.
PRICE: $135.50
THE FLAT EARTH FIG
Try to roll it across a table. It stops immediately. IT PROVES EVERYTHING! Checkmate, NASA!
PRICE: $2D.00
"WHAT IS BIG DEAL?" BANANA
A very soft, very sad fruit. Perfect for elderly grandfathers who just want to wrestle in the woods. Do NOT bring a peeling knife.
PRICE: 2 RATION CARDS
WITNESS PROTECTION WALNUT
The shell is made of hardened poly-carbonate. Inside is a new identity and a bus ticket to Batesville, AR. Tastes like safety.
PRICE: YOUR OLD NAME
CHEMTRAIL CLEMENTINE
Has a weird white streak straight across it. Tastes faintly of frog DNA and suppressed memories.
PRICE: $88.88
THE "NOT A MICROPHONE" PINECONE
It's just a regular tiny pinecone. It definitely doesn't transmit audio to Langley, Virginia. Eat it immediately to destroy the evidence.
PRICE: $19.84